Apr 13th 2009
Dear Ross,
I'm a first year student and I have a crush on my english prof. He's not that goodlooking but I like that he is the only prof under 40 and that he wears rolling stones t-shirts, skintight black jeans, and converse to class. Do you think I should ask him to go see my favourite stones cover band, or just seek therapy? -Anonymous
Well, it really depends on whether you want your life to turn into a made-for-TV movie or not. If you have a fascination with bad drama, I would go for it. On the other hand, I've never been one to pass up therapy. And if you happen to get a hip, young psychologist who wears Rolling Stones T-shirts, you might have a theatre-quality drama on your hands. Life can get pretty interesting when feelings collide headlong with professional ethics in an explosive emotional fireball. This sort of thing can get very time-consuming and so I guess the answer really depends on your major. If you're in Engineering, I would suggest finding a nice, old psychologist who can apply some healing therapy. But if you're in Liberal Arts and Sciences, you might as well go after your prof. I mean, what else are you doing?
Dear Ross,
I'm a big geek and want to use some hip cool words to impress the ladies.. any suggestions? -Nerdy Ned
Pay attention, Ned. Impressing a woman is as easy as: So get the Don Perignon outta the fridge
That's it. That's the formula, Ned. Though if you are looking for actual words to impress women, allow me to suggest borrowing from song. Romantic music is known to make the ladies swoon. Next time you approach a woman, try singing the following lyrics in a deep, passionate voice:
I wanna do the first thing that comes to mind
Cos on a scale of one to ten
No question you're a dime
I'm attracted to ya cos you give me love
And sweetheart, Color Me Badd
Is gonna sex you up
Dear Ross,
I just got over a terrible case of viral meningitis and my professors aren't exactly helping me out any. I have too much make-up work to rest and get better. Any advice you can offer? -sick and tired
You have only one sane option in a situation like this: infect your professors with viral meningitis. The viruses that cause viral meningitis are usually spread by person-to-person contact or by insects. If you are male and these professors are heterosexual/bisexual females, your course of action is rather obvious. Dress up in a Rolling Stones T-shirt, skin-tight black jeans, and Converses. The female professors will be unable to resist making amorous advances towards you. Share as many bodily fluids as possible to ensure the infection of these professors. Failing the female/Rolling Stones T-shirt route, you must gather an insect hoard. Inject these insects with as many viral meningitis-causing viruses as possible. As each professor gets into their car to return home, toss a little "bug bomb" into their vehicle. The biting, stinging insects will infect your professors one by one until they all succumb to viral meningitis. Or you could use a doctor's note, I guess... if you wanted to be a wuss about the whole thing.