Apr 20th 2009
Dear Ross,
My prof scratches himself often. We all try to avert our eyes, but I don't think he is aware of how continual his habit is. I don't know whether he has worms or another problem. Should I send him a note? -Scratch Distracted
*scritch scratch* Woo! *scritch scratch* Yee-haw! What? Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes a man just likes to stand around and scratch his balls, you know? Anyway, where were we?
Ah, a scratch-happy professor. Yes, I can see how that would be a bit disconcerting when trying to learn. I think you should attack the problem at its source: the worms that are undoubtedly swarming around your professor's crotch. All you need is a little knowledge of the ancient sport of falconry and a recognition of the old adage, "the early bird catches the worm". Arrange with your classmates to have everyone bring their falcons, hawks, and other miscellaneous birds of prey to lecture. When the first scratching begins, that is your signal to order your noble flock to strike!
NOTE: coat the talons and beaks of your falcons with Lotrimin for increased effectiveness.
Dear Ross,
I'm in my college's marching band, am I a total geek? -band geek
Since I think that the term "geek" implies a high level of intelligence, I would classify you as a "dork". You spend a significant amount of your time marching primly in circles with your friends, playing tired musical standards, and dressed head-to-toe like a British Redcoat. Don't get me wrong - I hear marching band can be a lot of fun and music is a gift you'll have your whole life. But just recognize that when anyone looks at you, when anyone even thinks about you, this is what they see:
Dear Ross,
I've been casually dating a guy for 6 months and we really like each other, but he doesn't want to make our status official. What should I do? -wishfully waiting
Make your "status official"?? Is that something you need to go down to the courthouse for? I think what you are saying is that after dating this guy for six months, he refuses to make a commitment. I think you should just keep waiting... and once it starts raining gumdrops and the singing rainbow flamingos trumpet "Ode to Joy", you and your man can skip hand-in-hand across the pixie dust beach and watch the lightning bug sun rise over the crystalline sugar sea.
Sarcasm aside, it sounds like the balance of affection in this relationship is far from even. I suggest that you force him to love you more. This can easily be accomplished by breaking his legs, isolating him in a remote cabin, and menacing him with a mallet, a blowtorch, and other pain-inflicting implements. If that doesn't make him love you, then at least he'll be in misery.