Apr 27th 2009

Hmmm... so from the beginning of your relationship with your "girlfriend" you told her that you wanted to be "just friends"? I find it difficult to wrap my mind around your question. I feel as if your words have formed a literary möbius strip and my brain cannot unravel its paradoxical meaning. In my experience, being just friends with a girl and being a girl's boyfriend are mutually exclusive events. Or perhaps I've just been missing out on a lot of cheap sex. 

Anyway, there is a very simple way to get your girlfriend to back off on the whole "love" issue: break up with her. I'm not certain how one breaks up with a girlfriend who is just a friend, but you can figure it out (you seem to understand this friend-girlfriend duality better than I). Also, you will need to stop having sexual relations with her - this includes any and all Clintonian loopholes. 

Geez, I would think all these things would be blatantly obvious to any thinking human being. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this a go-nowhere situation that isn't emotional healthy for either party. Now if you'll excuse me, my ex-gf just gave me a booty call.

Alright, listen carefully. If you follow my advice then you'll be drinking and having sex with all your classmates in no time. You mentioned that you feel like a dinosaur. The best way to break the ice is to show the other students how you feel. 

Construct or rent a Tyrannosaurus rex outfit; the outfit must be rigged with speakers that emit a loud, animal roar. When class has fully assembled, dash into the room wearing your T-rex suit. Activate the roar a few times and wave your tiny forelimbs in the air until you have the students' attention. Shout at them (using the T-rex roar for emphasis), "This is how you make me feel! ROOAARRRR! But I am not so different from you. Talk to me about booze and sex!!! ROOAARRRR, ROOAARRRR!" 

If the younger students still do not talk to you, then you have obviously not followed my advice correctly. Repeat the process until you get it right - varying dinosaur species may help. And remember this noble truth of life: it is not how you look on the outside, but how you feel inside your dinosaur costume.

I'm afraid the only recent photograph of myself is a bit racy. But if you don't mind a little nudity, you can click here to see what I look like au naturel.