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Apr 6th 2009

 

Dear Ross,

My prof doesn't take excuses for late assignments except doctors notes. I really slacked and didn't turn in a big project on time. How can I convince her to take my assignment?

-Joey

 

Your professor says that she won't take any excuses, but that's a lie. Every person has a soft spot, you just have to find it. Try out one of these excuses and we'll see if that hard shell of hers won't crack a little...

"I'm sorry my assignment was late, but..."

  • "... the Bat Signal isn't really something that can wait."
  • "... when it's a death match between Boyz II Men and Color Me Bad, you stay until the bitter end, regardless of the consequences."
  • "... I was on a surfin' safari."
  • "... Ziggy said there was a 98% chance I was supposed to clear the name of that wrongly accused ex-con instead."
  • "... you just lose track of time when you're listening to that sweet old Kentucky bluegrass."

 

Dear Ross,

I've got to lose weight quick for Spring Break! HELP!

-kelly256@mokeys.org

 

In this fast-paced, high-tech e-society, healthy eating and regular exercise are just dead ends. Throw those prehistoric philosophies into the tar pits and lose weight the proper way - by eating only meat and taking drugs to alter your metabolic rate. The body needs a wide variety of different substances to carry out all its functions. Denying your body its needed inputs through an all-meat diet will cause you to quickly waste away. You won't be running any marathons, but you'll be a sexy skeleton in that bikini for Spring Break (**TIP** irradiate yourself in a tanning salon before your trip to the Keys for that extra-crispy look!).

Today's body-conscience person may find it difficult to expend any sort of effort in pursuit of the ideal physical image. Fortunately, the weight loss industry offers a solution: speed! Ephedra, the most common active ingredient in weight loss pills, has been described as a legal variant of speed. While ephedra has some side effects (nausea, headache, infrared vision, nitrogen intolerance, zombification) it does put the body in a more excited state.

So whether you're chomping down bacon or gulping down the ephedra, always remember:

Discontinue use and call a health care professional immediately if you
experience rapid heartbeat, dizziness, severe headache, shortness of
breath, or other similar symptoms.

 

Dear Ross,

My car just died... any advice to a broke college student?

-NoWheels

 

I once read a science fiction story in which the human race had invented teleporters, like in Star Trek. In this society, you didn't even have to go outside in order to get to the store, you'd just step into the teleporter and there you'd be. People used the teleporters so much that eventually no one went outside anymore, and the very idea of being outside became abhorrent to them.

And how does this tale of humanity losing its soul to technology affect you? I would think it rather obvious to one intelligent enough to be in college - you need to drop out of school and focus all your effort upon engineering a device to instantaneously transport humans. With the money you get from your invention, you could junk your old car and buy the mightiest SUV ever. But I guess you wouldn't need a car at that point because you could just use your transporter. But aside from the teleportation idea, I have little other practical advice to offer. You could get a cheap bike I suppose... if you wanted to be one of those bike-ridin' sissies.