Feb 23rd 2009
Dear Ross,
Ross- I was wondering if you have any idea how many male names start with the letter 'M'? -Florida Bridesmaid
Well, let's see... there's Mike, Mark, Marvin, Manny, Milton, Morton, Milo, Martin, Mel, Merv, Max, Matt, Moses, Marcus Antonius, Megatron, Marquis de Sade, Monte Carlo, Magna Carta, Mercutio, Mercator Projection, Mmm Mmm Good, Mercury, Mandibles, Mesosphere, Moriarty, Migitty Migitty Mack, Mighty Mouse, MapQuest, MC Hammer, Mercantilism, Mozart, and many, many more! Or you could just use the word "Mister" and say that all male names begin with the letter 'M'. Its funny though - all the Floridian bridesmaids I've ever known tend to wonder how many subatomic particle names begin with the letter 'Q'.
Dear Ross,
There is this girl in one of my classes who is VERY attractive!! (!Que lastima!!) I just wanted to know: How should I approach her and what should I say? -Steve, CA
If this girl is extremely good-looking then odds are that she's been hit on by a lot of guys. That's why you need to make an impression that will stand out in her mind. Some silly pick-up line or boring "So what are you doing Friday night?" will fall on deaf ears. You need to really dazzle this woman. Approach her wearing a safety-orange colored miner's hard hat with a blindingly bright strobing light attached. Speak to her through a megaphone rigged to have an "echo effect". Dress casual, but stylish; I suggest a Big Johnson t-shirt and purple bicycle shorts to emphasize your masculine ass. If there's one thing a woman loves, it's ass. Address her through the echoing megaphone: "Hello-lo-lo-lo! My name is Steve-eve-eve-eve. And I like to PART-TAY-TAY-TAY-TAY!" If that doesn't win her over, repeat the above procedure, this time with crotchless bicycle shorts.
Dear Ross,
My roommates and I have an ongoing battle - Christina or Britney? I say Christina, but Britney seems to be the favorite around my circle of friends. Are my friends brain dead or am I the only one who likes the stringy, trashy, makeup-clad look over Britney. Oh yeah, and does it matter who can sing better? -Andrew at ISU
Things have been pretty hectic in the U.S. these days, what with this Jihad business and all. It makes me proud to be an American, knowing that while Islamic fanatics plot ways to terrorize our country, our bright collegial minds are sharply focused on what really matters: the hotness of teen pop stars. Could we have such a discussion in a Muslim country? I think not. HAASHIM: "Hey Rajab, isn't Bahiyaa fine? I love the way you can almost discern that she's a humanoid through her robes." But to answer your question, your roommates are correct. Britney is obviously far hotter than the emaciated Christina. You said it yourself, Christina is "stringy, trashy, makeup-clad". Perhaps if you are the Duke of Trailer Park, then Christina might be appealing to you. But I think most prefer the active, full-bodied Britney. And no, it does not matter who can sing better. Remember, these girls have been packaged and sold to you by MTV and the music industry. It's all smoke and mirrors, man, all smoke and mirrors.
RAJAB: "No way, man! Saalima is sooo much hotter. When the sun is just right, you can sort of make out her eyes through her face mesh!"
Dear Ross,
My cat sheds hair all over. What should I do? -Kitty Lover in NE
I used to have this problem with my cat until I took a physics class. It was there that I learned about Bernoulli's principle which states that a faster moving fluid has a lower pressure than a slower moving one. This prinicple is exercised in airplanes and helicopters where the fluid involved is obviously air. This gave me an idea to solve my cat hair problems. I simply accelerated my house to speeds in excess of 150mph (using a delicate combination of explosives). The air pressure outside my rocketing house became so low relative to the pressue inside the house, that the windows exploded and all cat hair was subsequently sucked out. Of course, if you are of the faint of heart, you could choose another solution. For instance, you could brush your cat.
Dear Ross,
We can't decide on a place to go for Spring Break. We went to South Padre Island last year and it sucked real bad. Do you have any suggestions? -Ready to Party at Illinois State
Your problem is that you went to South Padre Island instead of North Padre Island. The south island is where the Padres send all their plague victims, conduct biowarfare experiments, and test nuclear devices. You guys must be real chumps to have gotten suckered into going there. But the north island is really hopping. They have rivers of wine, it's always springtime, and all ice cream is free. The men are handsome, the women are lovely, and the bio-engineered insect people take care of your every need. Make it North Padre Island this year, my friend. The Padres have much beauty, if only you unlock their secrets.