February 27th 2011
Dear Ross,
I haven’t been back to school this year and it’s not just down to an iPhone calendar malfunction. I went to a party in December that was attended by a hundred or so of my fellow students. A lot of drinking went on and I don’t know what came over me but, carried away by the moment, I stripped off to my underwear. Even now I can picture it: me standing in a bra and thong while everyone pointed and laughed. And now I can’t go back to college because the other guys on the football team are gonna kill me. How long do you think it’ll be before everyone forgets?
Exposed, WA
Dear Exposed,
Eight weeks is a long time and I’m sure that, what with the holidays and all, no one will remember. Even if they do, I’m also sure that your fetish for women’s underwear will be dealt with in a tolerant and mature… no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. Unfortunately for you, Real Life is not like Glee. Apart from being utter sh*t, that is. I’m afraid the human mind is a disgrace – completely unable to remember important stuff from last week yet something like this will stay until the grave. Your best bet is to move to another college. On another coast. With no internet.
Dear Ross,
I’m very young and naïve, having grown up in the Midwest. It’s bad enough moving to a new city with more people than I ever imagined, but my roommate also introduced me to Fox News. Since then I’ve been too scared to leave my bedroom for fear of being shot, stabbed, raped or blown up. I’ve even found myself checking the Alert Level and choosing where I hide based on the day’s color. What can I do?
Agoraphobianna, PA
Dear Aggy,
First of all, the odds of you suffering any of the above fates are millions to one against. Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by your own bedding, with accident studies claiming more than 400,000 Americans are hurt by a bed. Not the same bed, obviously, but even so hiding in the bedroom seems to be bordering on suicidal. Just get out there and enjoy life! If you’re worried about the Alert Level then use it to choose the color of your clothes. As for the news, treat most of it with suspicion and anything from Fox as if it were written by the Devil himself.
Dear Ross,
I’m broke. In my defense I would like to say the cost of living has rocketed and there just aren’t any jobs out there for students. Well, I’d like to say that, but it wouldn’t be true. I’ve actually blown the entire semester’s cash partying over the New Year. Ours and the Chinese one. My crappy job will barely cover food and shelter and I’m reduced to burning old books for heat. To top it all, I’m writing with burnt wood and my ‘new’ Modern History textbook doesn’t seem to know that WWII is over. Any ideas?
Bankrupt, ME
Dear Bankrupt,
Have you seen the movie ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo’? Ha, no I’m only kidding – the chances are you’d starve in less than a month. Instead, why not get a job that offers free food, all the free entertainment you can take and possible companionship? As long as your local strip club has a free wings buffet and needs a dishwasher…
As for the textbook problem, stop burning your old ones and go to the ProPer Textbook Exchange on this very site. You could get a good price and then use the proceeds to buy more recent books. You might even discover how the Korean War turned out!