July 20 2010
Dear Ross,
I would like to have your babies.
No.
Dear Ross,
I really need help with my roommate. He seemed OK when we first met, but it wasn’t long before the weirdness started. I know I should have moved out after the first bloody pentangle appeared on the wall, but I was already settled, you know? Since then, black candles are popping up everywhere, all the shelves are filled with books on the occult and I keep finding sacrificed goats in my bed. Worst of all, he listens to Justin Bieber played backwards on a continuous loop. What can I do?
Fearing For My Soul, OH
Dear Fearing,
You disgust me! Are you aware of the penalty for committing hate crimes? In today’s America, everyone is free to worship whom they please – even if it is the Prince of Darkness – and I feel sorry for your roommate having to live under such a cloud of oppression. Freedom of expression is enshrined in the Constitution and I say “shame on you” for being so intolerant.
That said, Bieber is truly awful and playing anything by him, even backwards, is probably grounds for eviction.
Dear Ross,
I have a problem with my girlfriend. We have been dating for six months now, and recently she has been staying out until the early hours. When she does come back, she smells of booze, cigarettes and desperation. She pays for everything with dollar bills, and her closet now has three pairs of clear heel shoes in it. I’ve also noticed she looks around whenever anyone says the word ‘Brandy’, even though her name is Alice, and she seems to have developed a hatred of drunk men. I know she’s probably working in a bar, but I don’t know why she feels the need to hide it from me. We used to say there should be no secrets between us. Please help!
Unloved, NJ
Dear Unloved,
I always get a warm feeling when I am able to help a troubled soul, and this is one of those times. Let me put your mind at rest – your girlfriend is not a barmaid.
She’s a stripper.