July 6th 2010

Oh ye of little faith! Are you forgetting which great country you live in? It may be true that, if the US of A were you or me, then men with baseball bats would have come knocking long ago. But the world cannot allow America Inc to go bust, as too many economies rely on it. If you still don’t believe me, consider Greece. This is a country that paid its government workers inflated wages, has a retirement age of about 42 and lied through its teeth about the extent of its debt, even after the accountants had seen the books. Did the rest of Europe send people round to break their thumbs? No. They bailed them out, possibly to the tune of US$300bn. And that was freaking Greece! Their contribution to the European Union is Ouzo and olives.

What am I trying to say? Oh, yes – relax, kick back and drink beer. Hell, drink imported beer, because the rest of the world has got your back.

You are right to be suspicious. This guy is clearly abusing his position and it’s about time this sort of thing was stamped out. That said, a little research can’t hurt, so I suggest you follow him. If he frequents the establishment that he’s recommending then he is no better than a pervert, ‘grooming’ students for his own sick, sexual gratification. Report him immediately.

In the meantime, why not try ‘Cheekyz’? It’s only 4 blocks from you, has a classy clientele and you get to keep your tips. Just ask for Carlos and tell him Ross sent you.

You, my friend, are way past drowning. In fact, your bloated corpse has been pulled from the ocean and you are now stinking out the morgue with a tag on your big toe. Whoever accepted you for this course must have thought you were Rainman. But I’m here to help and, judging by your letter, Math and English are definitely out. So here’s my idea: Media Studies. It basically involves spending your whole day watching DVDs, TV and playing Xbox, then talking about it. A no-brainer, really, so you’ll fit right in!

SLAP! Did you feel that? I sure hope so.

Snap out of it man. You do realize that, being a shining example of rampant masculinity, just writing this is enough to have you killed? As a quarterback, your teammates are relying on you to stay calm under pressure and deliver that killer pass without a second thought. You’re not supposed to shed even one tear if your leg is horribly mangled on the field of play, so how will they feel if they know you go to sleep blubbing over a dog?!

Right, that’s the lecture over. Helping people is why I’m here, so I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty on this one. It’s a proven fact that, in order to start the grieving process properly, first you have to admit that your loved one is gone. As such, I have had Betsy put down. You’ll thank me in the end.

I feel for you, I really do. However, a person in your vocation must be aware of the absorbency of tissue paper, and what happens when a vertical force is applied to gravitationally-challenged cotton. So, dry your eyes and pull your socks up! Think of your students and the life they’re enduring: apart from the chosen few, most are miserably trying to pass exams, fit in and get laid – not necessarily in that order. At least you’re being paid and, if you’re useless at your job, what’s the worst that can happen? A few people you don’t care about fail. Compare that to an airline pilot, who has one bad day at the office and needs to be identified by his teeth. I think the best thing to do is get on with it, and console yourself that 80% of Americans hate their job too.

Oh, and stay away from clock towers!