Mar 23rd 2009
Dear Ross,
Why must college be so hard? -FriedBrain
I agree that college is damn hard, but the great thing is that you don't actually have to attend a university in order to get your degree. How? Well, check your email, my friends. Chances are that you've been offered the opportunity to purchase a diploma online. It's your choice: years of fruitless toil and thousands of dollars down the drain, or a single $29.95 charge on your credit card? Personally, I prefer to spend my time sipping Coronas and watching Cartoon Network while my Visa earns me a master's in Aerospace Engineering. But some of us have received one too many letters from the collection agency to consider whipping out the plastic. However, you need not despair because today's university system offers another alternative: honorary degrees. It's a degree that costs you nothing and requires no effort on your part. As near as I can tell, all you have to do is give a speech or something and they just give you one! "Hello, my name is Ross P. Davis and I came to say: AHOOOOOOY THERE, HARVARD!!! Now degree me, bee-OTCH." So why must college be so hard? The answer is that it needn't be. Just use the simple techniques I've outlined and you will have enough diplomas to wallpaper the Louvre. Who am I to give you advice? Well, let's just say that I'm smart enough to have a Ph.D. in Computational Chemistry from Vernon's University Printing Co. in the great city of Detroit.
Dear Ross,
Who are you? -Curious Cat
Ah, who has not looked deep into the mirror and asked themselves that most introspective of questions: Who am I? I suspect there are few among us who have not taken the occasional long solitary walk, thoughts tunneling inward in search of a sense of being. And is there anyone who can claim that they do not often lie awake at night, restlessly tossing and turning, sweating heavily with gritted teeth and clenching fists as they contemplate their identity? I think not. Honestly, who among us has not at least once hurled their Sanrio personalized checkbook into the face of a stunned bag boy and lunged across the item scanner to grab the shaking cashier, emitting the spittle-filled shriek: "WHO AM I!? TELL ME, YOU LIFELESS PIG! OINK FOR ME YOU MINDLESS, SHIVERING HAM... OINK!!!" I've talked to people and you can believe me, it is the rare soul who has not safety-pinned a bed sheet around their naked body, covered their scalp with Spanish moss, and marched through the local mall madly gibbering praises to Caesar. Perhaps we can refer to it as the "human condition" - that inherent part of us which never ceases to question. So before you ask "Who are you?", you must first be able to answer the most basic and complex of questions: Who am I?
Dear Ross,
Ross, I was failing one of my classes so I performed a certain task for a certain professor. Now, I'm getting an A but I feel really guilty when I see him in class. What should I do? -Guilty Student
You should feel guilty. What you are describing sounds highly unfair to your classmates. I mean, I'm as willing as the next man to go down on my professors, but only for cash or weed -or perhaps airline tickets, but never for grades! What about those who don't share your weak moral fiber? No amount of studying can compete with this "deal" you've forged with your professor. In short, you (and your professor) have done wrong and the guilt is your burden to carry. Now, as to the payment we discussed for posting your question - you can show up at eight... and don't forget to wear those red high heels and teletubbies' suit that I made for you.