Mar 2nd 2009
Dear Ross,
I HAVE ARISEN FROM THE GRAVE TO DESTROY HUMANITY. PREPARE TO BE DEVOURED BY MY RELENTLESS LEGIONS OF UNDEAD. WE SHALL FEAST ON YOUR LIVING FLESH AND DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF YOUR ANGUISHED SCREAMS. -Zombie Warlord
Look, I understand your maniacal jealousy of the living. We've all had one of those days where we're like, "I just want to chuck everything and butcher mankind." But in the end where does it get you? A barren empire of the damned? Is that what will make you happy? I mean, truly happy? You have to realize that the only one who can make you happy is YOU. Tomorrow I want you to look at your rotting, worm-ridden face in the mirror and say aloud, "I will be a happy zombie warlord." Everyone say it with me... "I will be a happy zombie warlord." I think you'll find that with the right attitude, you'll notice your horrid visage breaking into a grisly smile more often.
Dear Ross,
Hi, I have sort of an embarassing problem. I enter people's dreams and murder them in horrific ways, feeding off their terror. Lately things have gotten a little out of hand and the people "wake up dead", so to speak. I've tried to quit, but I can't seem to break the habit... any ideas? -Frustrated Fred
*YAWWWWWNNNN* Boy am I ever sleepy. What was that you were saying? *STREEETCH* Gosh, I need to catch some shuteye here. Mmmmm, hold that question - I've got to take a little nap. *YAWWWWNNNNN* Zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzz. Zzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzz. NEEEEOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *GASP* Now... I *COUGH* know what they mean by *GAG* sleeping like dead...
Dear Ross,
Heya - I am a sadistic creature who delights in the pain and torment of others. I live in a dank, blood-soaked dungeon and slaughter any who dare step foot in my domain. In fact, my reputation is such that the local peasants have named me "The Butcher". Anyhoo, I was thinking of opening a deli to sell all this tasty human meat. All these mutilated corpses are just going to waste around here. Any ideas? -The Butcher
Butcher, allow me to congratulate you on your excellent business sense! I am sure there is a market for the fine delicacy of human flesh. For starters, you could make liverwurst with human livers. Throw in some other miscellaneous ground organs (kidneys, lungs, etc) for some added pazazz. Cook up some arms, slather them with a zesty hot sauce and you've got yourself some buffalo wings. You'll have to serve up the staple meats: steaks, ribs, drumsticks. And not to let anything go to waste - mash up the colons, bone fragments, and other undesirables to make some sumptuous hotdogs and sausages.