March 27th
Dear Ross,
I’ve been invited to join some of the guys on their Spring Break trip to Tijuana. They’re definitely men of the world but I’m from West Virginia and a little worried about what I’ve let myself in for. There’s been a lot of talk about slamming Tequila, easy women and even something mentioned about a donkey. I’m guessing that’s a kind of drink. I’m sure this is just making something outta nothing but I’d appreciate your advice.
Apprehensive, Tx
Dear Apprehensive,
First of all, and I cannot emphasize this enough, THE DONKEY IS NOT A DRINK!! If you end up gulping down a donkey then you will achieve the sort of sexual infamy normally reserved for politicians or Paris Hilton.
Crimes against nature aside, there’s no reason at all why you can’t go down to Tijuana and enjoy yourself. There are indeed lots of easy women there, some of whom might even have been born that way. Just make sure you all stick together, only drink beers that were opened in front of you and never, ever take any offered pills. Ignore this advice and you could wake up as Ciudad Juarez’s new Chief of Police.
Dear Ross,
Since starting college a couple of years back, my roommate and I have been like best buddies. We regularly down brewskis and talk chicks and sport while playing Xbox until the early hours. Last year’s Spring Break we were so bombed we had to be reconstruct events using camera phones and credit card bills. Not this time around, though. Two months ago I was so hungover that he went out drinking alone… and came back with a girlfriend. Now, this girl is gorgeous, fit and funny – just picture Britney but with a soul. My problem? She’s a vegan fitness nut. My bro hasn’t touched the drink since, he’s taken up running and our fridge is now a portal to a world where my beer and steaks turn into salad. Dude, what can I do?!
Single Player, Ca
Dear Single P,
I had come up with an intricate plan involving finding a new ‘bro’, then making your true ‘bro’ jealous. That way, all the time he was with ‘Britney’, he’d actually be thinking of shooting you in the head. It would then only be a matter of time before you’re both farting and playing Black Ops again. Unfortunately, as long as she is giving him full access to her perks and hidden intelligence you don’t stand a chance. If I were you I’d make sure my Xbox Live subscription was paid up and just hope she dumps him.
Oh, and you’re gonna need a bigger fridge!
Deer Ross,
ive just seen that new movie Limitless where the guy takes a clear pill and can learn a new language in a day or something. do you know if its based on real life only im really desperate. im scraping thru my spainish using google translator and my moms maid and my english aint so good eether.
Brian, Ma
Dear Brian,
Seriously? Is it based on reality? I think the real question is: are you? To be honest Brian, I think we’re way past clear pills here. My advice is to spend your next vacation hiking through the Colombian jungle. You’ll be fitter, wiser and, by the time the kidnappers let you go, fluent in Spanish.