May 11th 2009
Dear Ross,
My backpack is so heavy with all the crap I have to carry around. I don't want to get one of those roll around backpacks because then I will never get laid again. Do you have any suggestions?? -Broken Back in NE
You know, a friend of mine once strongly warned me not to put a computer network hub on my nightstand because doing so would preclude my ever getting laid again. According to him, no woman would ever have sex with me if this geeky device were in such close proximity to the bed. But I question this logic. If a woman likes you to the point where she has entered your bedroom, and is prepared to have sex with you, would she really refuse you upon seeing a network hub? Would she burst into an uncontrollable screaming fit, gesticulate wildly at the hub, and dash out of the room as if she had just discovered a severed human head?
Honestly, I have not been brave enough to find out. But I have made love to a woman with the following items on my nightstand: a book of sci-fi stories, a Nintendo Gameboy, a PDA, a protractor, an IBM mainframe, and an oscilloscope. I guess what I am trying to say is that while a wheeled bag may be repellent to the fairer sex, you should put the health of your back first. Consider this: people in marching band get laid. Think about that very carefully and you'll realize that you could strut around campus in a gravy-soaked clown suit and still get some action.
Dear Ross,
Girls are gross!! There's hair all over the public showers every time I go in there? How can I get it to go away?? -struggling with hygiene, IN
Hmmm... this is a difficult question and I really need more information to answer it thoroughly. Perhaps you could provide me with some pictures or video clips that show these girls in the aforementioned showers so I can make a proper analysis.
Lechery aside, there are a number of things you can do to get these girls to clean up their act. Posting a "No Hair" sign outside the showers probably won't work, but a sign that reads "DANGER: tarantula infestation!" may have more effect. You might also consider collecting the soggy clumps of hair and depositing them on the sleeping faces of your dorm mates. If none of these tactics work, then you'll need to go back to the old standby: chloroform and hair clippers.
Dear Ross,
I have an extremely short attention span and all long winded professors this semester. Really I try to stay awake or focused but always end up doodling or sleeping. (Neither of which I mind). Do you have any advice on how to pay attention to the windbag at the front of the classroom? -Utterly distracted, MN
Dull subject matter, poor teaching style, and Valium can seriously impact your ability to pay attention during class. Here are some tips to maintain your focus:
1) Breathe only when your professor breathes - matching your breathing to the exact same cadence as your professor's will keep you perfectly in tune with the lecture. If your professor happens to be overweight or is particularly excited then you may find yourself taking rapid, shallow breaths to match the prof's quick breathing. This will cause some lightheadedness and it is perfectly normal if you pass out. On the other hand, an incredibly relaxed, slow-talking professor may cause you to hold your breath longer than normal. As you clench your desk with white knuckles, lungs screaming for air, keep in mind that you are learning.
2) Turn the lecture into a drinking game - for example, if you are in a Calculus class then you could take a drink whenever the professor says "derivative" or "integral". If the prof catches you then you must finish your drink.
3) Use a laser - buy a cheap pen laser and keep the beam just out of the prof's eyesight. When the prof turns to look at the board, hold the beam steady on the back of his head. If the prof is facing the class, keep the laser trained on his heart; or more daring, right between his eyes. Obviously you must be surreptitious lest the prof discover you or a fellow classmate notices the laser's source. And remember that your university career is probably over if you melt your prof's corneas.