October 18th 2010
Dear Ross,
Personally, I think the advice you give is utter garbage. However, that matters not because this is a letter of complaint, not desperation. What gives you the right to grade professors on your silly little website? Along with every other student in history, I have been graded throughout my time in education. However, having achieved the necessary credentials to become a teacher, and a very good one at that, I feel strongly that being ‘graded’ by the very children I am tasked with educating is an insult. I have earned my position as Head of Media Studies at (name withheld on legal grounds) and your site makes a mockery of both my position and my integrity.
Name and State supplied.
Dear Prof,
Dry your eyes! Can you imagine the confusion in the job market if employers only had a name and school to go on? The best positions would go to people with the most impressive names – George W. Bush, for example – even if they were a complete dumbass. Of course it’s right that students grade their professors. They owe it to those who follow after, giving future generations the knowledge they need to make an informed decision. That way, if a freshman finds himself standing on a desk, shouting “O Captain, my Captain” to a weirdo, he’ll only have himself to blame.
Dear Ross,
I have a serious gambling problem that I can’t seem to get on top of. When I first came here, I had never laid a bet in my whole life. Then some of my dorm buddies started a Friday poker night and I went along. To cut a long story short, now every night is poker night – online if I can’t find someone to play with – and I owe a small fortune to a guy called Big Tony. I tried Gamblers Anonymous but just ended up betting on who would turn up to the meetings. Please help me before Tony arranges a meeting between a baseball bat and my kneecaps.
Raise You, NJ
Dear Raise You,
It sounds like you truly do need help, and I have only two words for you: Extreme Sports. Studies have shown that problem gamblers don’t really care about winning or losing; for them it is the adrenalin rush that goes with risking everything. So why not try to get that rush elsewhere? Book yourself a bungee jump, BASE jump off the nearest tower or tell your girlfriend she’s getting fat. Whatever it takes to keep you away from gambling, you must do. As an incentive, I bet you $100 you wimp out!
Dear Ross,
It’s time for the Mid-Semester Evaluations and I’m a little worried. No one told me the MSE’s exist and, to be honest, I’ve been slightly less than diligent when it comes to lecture attendance. OK, to be really, really honest, I haven’t been to a single one. I meant to, naturally, but there has been so much else to do – parties, lunch with my girlfriends, shopping, spa days and men – that my course has had to take a back seat. I always intended to catch up later in the year, once I had established myself as the most popular girl here. Now I find there’s an Evaluation! Any ideas?
Caroline, NY
Dear Caroline,
Let me guess… your friends are, respectively, prim and proper, a slut and a ginger. Are you in the Spice Girls? Seriously though, you seem to be able to spend money at a spectacular rate, and you have priorities that would make Paris Hilton blush. You’re probably not used to being told the hard truth, but here goes…
College is not for you.
I wouldn’t bother about the Evaluation if I were you – just carry on the way you are and, sooner or later, someone with a name like Tristan will snap you up and keep you in diamonds and Jimmy Choo’s for life. Obviously you’ll remain as worldly wise as Sarah Palin, but it hasn’t done her any harm, has it?