September 20th 2010
Dear Ross,
I am just beginning my final year in the education system and I’m worried about the future. I have managed to avoid the real world for many years now, completing my degree, a Masters and stretching my PhD as far as possible without being kicked out for incompetence. Unfortunately, I have been told that this is my last year, no matter what. Having been wrapped in the cotton wool of this country’s fine learning establishments for most of my life, the thought of actually having to work for a living scares me silly. What’s worse, funding is so low that I cannot even start another course. Can you help me avoid a fate worse than death?
-Dr. Idle, CA
Dear Ross,
I have a major problem with the guy who sits next to me in class. Well, to be honest, I’m not the one with the problem – he is. This dude has body odor that redefines the word ‘stench’. No kidding, whenever he raises his arm to answer a question, the paint bubbles on the opposite wall. I’d say it smells like something has died in his pits, but for the fact that a recently deceased skunk festering in the Miami sunshine would smell like pine air freshener next to him. Unfortunately, nobody in the class wants to be the one who calls him on it. I mean, we are waaaay past Mitchum here and I hoped you might be able to help.
Scorched Nostrils, WA
Dear Nostrils,
I am assuming that your desire not to hurt this man’s feelings rules out the usual tactics: leaving deodorant on his seat, wearing chemical warfare suits to lectures, stripping him naked and spraying him with a high-pressure hose, that sort of thing. In that case, the problem will be easier to deal with if the other person brings up the subject first. Alas, your guy seems oblivious to his olfactory obnoxiousness and so I suggest a more subtle approach. Get all your classmates to stop washing for a whole week and make sure they don’t change their underwear either. Then, the second B.O. Bob says anything about the smell, that’s your way in. It doesn’t matter how cruel or critical you are – he started it. That way, you can sleep (and breathe!) easy.
Dear Ross,
This is my first year at college, studying Computer Science. I’m very shy, quite geeky, useless at sports and my course is one of the most boring there is. This means I spend most of my time in my dorm room, working on my PC. Nobody makes any effort to talk to me and I can’t bring myself to start conversations with others. At least back home I had my parents around for human contact, but my new life here is one of unbearable loneliness. What can I do to meet new people?
Friendless, FL
Dear Friendless,
I have one word for you: Facebook.
I don’t mean you need to spend hours collecting virtual friends – you may as well collect Polaroids of strangers. I’m talking about a certain Mark Zuckerberg, who spent his college days in the dorm, playing with a PC. He designed a website asking visitors to choose which of two girls was the hottest which, as you can imagine, made him irresistible to the ladies. I can’t imagine there were many girls competing to share his bed back then. My point is that, even though it may seem like Hell now, spending all your time on your computer isn’t necessarily a waste of that time. Zuckerberg ended up creating Facebook, making billions and I’m sure is now beating of pneumatically-chested Playboy Bunnies with a stick.
Dear Ross,
Yesterday, I received an email telling me that I have won US$10m in the Spanish Lottery, even though I don’t remember playing! In order to claim my prize I have to send $5k to a dude in Nigeria, who will transfer the winnings into my account – get this – tax free! Unfortunately, I’m penniless since that General from Somalia who wanted to hide $25m in my bank account was killed in a coup d’état, only a day after receiving my ‘enabling’ fee of $5k. What are the odds of that happening? Anyway, the credit crunch means no bank will give me money so is there any chance you can lend me five grand?
-Spending It Already, ND
Dear Spending,
Please, please tell me you’re not planning a career as an investment banker!
Seriously though, I was going to lend you the money at 30% interest, and then break one finger a week until you paid up. Yes, it would be painful but think of it as being cruel to be kind. After all, within a month, you’ll not be using a computer. However, I won’t do that. It is obvious to me that you are so gullible and naive as to be a danger to yourself. Luckily, I run a therapy course that deals with this exact problem and I know I can eventually help you recognize scams when they come your way. So, just send a check for $5000 to this address and you’ll be on the road to recovery in no time.