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Upon first climbing into my lofted bed with my significant other, we found that no matter what position we conducted our choice extracurricular activity in, one of us would repeatedly hit our head on the ceiling. There are 18 inches (as required by fire code), between the loft and the ceiling. I'm not too keen on giving up my loft, as it provides valuable extra space in what seems like a prison cell. So, what would be the best sexual position on a lofted bed? (Avoidance of the head grinding on the ceiling would be preferable).

-Lumpy-headed and horny in NE

Ross Says:

Lumpy,

I worked many hard hours, sweating over this deep problem. In the process of finding a solution, I sustained a mild concussion, was dumped by my girlfriend, and ruptured two Sassy Stewardess blow-up dolls. But in the end I discovered the answer to your lofty question in the footnotes of a small appendix in the Kama Sutra. I believe the ancient and sacred sexual position described below will enable you to do something I've never been able to accomplish: enjoy your lover without receiving head trauma.

The Ragin' Cajun: in this position you spread a healthy coat of gumbo on yourself, your partner, and your surroundings. You will find that regardless of your sexual rambunctiousness, your body parts will simply slide off the nearly frictionless gumbo. Do note that while the proper way to eat crawfish is to bite off the head and suck out the juicy insides, this is ill advised when applied to your lover's more sensitive areas.

I have one of the hottest girlfriends you could ever believe. But there is this girl in my Spanish class who I find unbelievably drawn to. She has a boyfriend with which she is obsessed, allowing me no time to get to know her. But I still feel an unmeasurable connection for some reason. What's your vibe on the situation?

-Crushed in Class

Ross Says:

Crushed,

Professor Abdul's course on Vibeology taught me quite a bit about situations like this. If I am correctly interpreting these feelings you are sending me, then you've got it for this girl in a funky way.

Now, I must admit that I am not a licensed psychologist, but my years of therapy have given a unique insight into the human condition. I believe that this keen attraction to a girl in your Spanish class, despite the hotness of your girlfriend, means that you have a deep, psychic connection to Conquistador Hernando Cortez. I have poured through a number of psychology texts, and I believe the standard treatment for this is to gather a group of hardened military veterans, sail to a distant land, defile its people, and plunder its resources. If that doesn't work, then I'll have to prescribe a massive dose of Prozac.

I am a skinny, blonde, fractal-loving, female scholarship student who loves to program, aced calculus and am addicted to formal logic. How do me and my part-time model, full-time female electrical engineering friends come out of the closet and reveal our mathitude in a way that does not offend people?

Being optimists, we have learned to use it to our advantage in what we call "shallow-man-repellent" which is our Darwinian method of enforced selection to eliminate men who think we are just hollow visuals with no mind. A trophy-seeking guy won't quit bothering us and asking us out, if we keep saying no. If we just repeat no, they linger, stalk and beg like starving dogs and we are nothing but T-bone steaks who only exist for immediate consumption. We've learned by conditioning that saying, "I am a programmer", causes them to vanish before we can say "Boole."

-MATHeMATICALLY BLONDe

Ross Says:

Math Blonde,

SHOW US YOUR TIIIIITS!!! Oh sorry, that just sort of slipped out. Now, as to you and your model friends coming out of the closet together, I'll just grab my camcorde- sorry, sorry. Look, you didn't leave me much choice there.

I think what you are trying to say is that it is not true that you are both hot and brainless. On the other hand, perhaps you're trying to say that you're not hot or you're not brainless. Though it could be that you are asserting that your being hot does not imply a lack of brains. Whatever the case, I understand that you would prefer that men take an interest in your mind instead of your tautologous ass.

The solution might be to hang around the computer science department. Find a computer geek who looks like he has showered in the past few days and strike up a conversation. I believe you will find that he is delighted to converse at a high level. In fact, he will be delighted to be talking to a member of the opposite sex at all. If he starts to follow you around like a lost puppy dog, then just saying, "I am a sorority girl" will cause him to vanish before you can say, "Tridelt."